INTERVIEWS
LIVE INTERVIEW
Living Nightmares of Abuse
Phyllis Benton Author Interview
Sunday April 9, 2006
Live Author Interview at www.womensselfesteem.com
The evening started out kind of slow with some general chit-chat and getting comfortable. Soon we got the ball rolling and things were underway with the interview. Here's how it went:Sun Apr 09 16:24:44 PDT 2006] Dorothy Well ladies...welcome to another on-line book interview in the bistro. :)Dorothy: The author that we have the pleasure of talking to tonight is Phyllis Benton..author of Living Nightmares of Abuse
Willow: Welcome Phylis
Phyllis_Benton: Hi
Dorothy: I want to take 1 second to thank Phyllis and everyone of you for taking your time to be here!
Dorothy: THANK YOU!!
Joan: Your welcome
Dorothy: Phyllis, to start, why don`t you tell us a bit about yourself.
Phyllis_Benton: I am married to a wonderful man, live in NC, have two great dogs and love to tend my fruit trees.
Dorothy: I am going to start with a few questions about your book first.
Dorothy: We know that your book is about abuse, was that what prompted you to write a book?
Dorothy: What exactly prompted you to write a book about your life/
Phyllis_Benton: I really just wanted to write but then I got remembering my life and wrote it down. That was the beginning of my book.
Dorothy: How do you think that the message in your book will be able to help others that have and are still going through abusive relationships?
Phyllis_Benton: Well, I think they will realize that they do not have to go through what I did. That there is help out there and that there is life after abuse.
Dorothy: I agree... For the women here that have not had the chance to read your book, can you give them a brief summary?
Phyllis_Benton: Started as a child, I was molested. I got into a bad marriage and then into not just one but two abusive relationships. I didn't see the warning signs. I got out of the relationships then went to school and wrote a book.
Dorothy: Nicely done.
Phyllis_Benton: Thanks.
Dorothy: How has your life changed who you are?
Dorothy: Also Do you fell that it has made you stronger?
Phyllis_Benton: No, not changed who I am but has made me a stronger and wiser person.
Dorothy: What made you chose the title for your book? or was it a suggestion from someone?
Phyllis_Benton: I chose it because it fit my life and it was. I had nightmares for a long time after the abuse. The relationships were a living nightmare.
Dorothy: I can understand that totally.
Phyllis_Benton: I still continue to have nightmares if I see someone that reminds me of my abusers.
Dorothy: In an abusive relationship, do you feel it is soley the abusers fault for the continuing abuse?
Phyllis_Benton: That is a hard question. I would like to say yes, but I think if you continue to stay with an abuser, you give them the power to abuse. So it is some what your fault.
Dorothy: I agree.. in many cases teh abuser abuses because they can.
Dorothy: Not in all though.
Phyllis_Benton: Right, not in all.
Dorothy: What type of feed back have you recieved from your readers about your book, if any?
Phyllis_Benton: So far, it has all been good. My readers feel my pain and anger. I have readers who have called me and said my book really inspired them so they felt that they could go on after leaving their abuser.
Dorothy: That is truly what paying forward is about.
Phyllis_Benton: Yes, I think everyone should pay forward.
Dorothy: Phyllis when did you start writing your book and when did you complete it finally?
Phyllis_Benton: I started writing it when I was in college in 2002 and finished it in 2004. About a year and a half.
Dorothy: Thats fairly average, from what I have learnt.
Dorothy: What part of your book did you feel was the hardest to write?
Phyllis_Benton: About the abuse. I relived each chapter as I wrote but the abuse was like I was there again. I felt hurt and anger.
Dorothy: Yes writing will force a person into reliving it all and that is hard but on the other hand it is where the passion to write is drawn from.
Phyllis_Benton: It helped me to get the anger out.
Dorothy: If you had a chance to write Living Nightmares of Abuse again, would you change anything.
Phyllis_Benton: I think I would stress more that there are safe homes and people you can turn to for help. You don't need to stay in an abusive relationship.
Dorothy: I so agree with you there.
Phyllis_Benton: A lot of women do not know there is help like I didn't.
Dorothy: So saying that I think it would be safe to say that we need more information such as your story to help women gain strength.
Dorothy: When I was reading your story, I was always wondering why you did not seek out help.
Dorothy: You did at one point but you still went back to him.
Phyllis_Benton: Yes. I did not know of safe homes and had no one to tell me.
Dorothy: True, also this was a few years back and many towns were so far away from any type of womens shelters.
Phyllis_Benton: Yes, when I went back, I had a plan of my own to get away. I probably should have done it sooner but I was scared.
Dorothy: Do you think that writing your story helped you in your relationship with your husband now?
Phyllis_Benton: Yes, I except my husband for the good man he is and do not try to change him. I also appreciate him.
Dorothy: He sounds like a true Godsend for you.
Phyllis_Benton: He is my angel.
Dorothy: I have one more question in regards to the actual relationship, what was worse for you, fearing the beatings or the fear of the sexual rape by your then husband?
Phyllis_Benton: The sexual rape. It was degrading.
Dorothy: Yes I would agree with you for sure.
Dorothy: Do you havbe any plans to write another book for women?
Phyllis_Benton: After a while the beating, you feel numb but the rape a wakens you quickly.
Phyllis_Benton: Not at this time. I am in process of writing a fiction fantasy. My heart is really there. I think in time I will write another book for
women though.Dorothy: I will look forward to both books:)
Dorothy: Your writing is exellent and very descriptive.
Phyllis_Benton: Thank you so much.
Dorothy: I read in one of your reviews that your ability to draw a picture with words is totally awesome and I do agree with that point for sure.
Dorothy: You are more than welcome.
Dorothy: Thank You for writing and sharing a very horrible time in your life with us and all the other women in the world. To have to relive that in order to help others is commendable!
Dorothy: Well I think I have picked Phyillis`s brain enough...
Dorothy: So ladies feel free to ask Phyllis questions.
Phyllis_Benton: I just hope my book will help others in abusive relationships or those that are now out of them.
Val: can I ask how old you are???
Dorothy: I am almost psoitive they will.
Val: Don't answer if you do not want to
Phyllis_Benton: I am 53.
Dorothy: Womensselfesteem.com will be exposing it as much as we can.
Val: Did you have any professional help?
Dorothy: damn I wish I had a spell check on here....grrrr!
Phyllis_Benton: I am proud of what I have accomplished at my age.
Dorothy: Cheers!
Phyllis_Benton: No, I did it on my own, although some help would have been welcome.
Willow: Thank you Phylis for sharing your story. One thing I have noticed with myself and others with whom I have spoken is that they don't realize that they are not alone. That this is not just happening to them. They don't have to go through this alone.
Phyllis_Benton: Yes, I want to stress that to other women. I didn't know that.
Val: Was you family involved
Phyllis_Benton: Not much. My family had their lives and I didn't want to involve them with a problem like I had.
Willow: My family thought I should stay with my husband. They didn't think I could make it on my own.
Phyllis_Benton: My brother was always there for me but I didn't want to get him involved either.
Phyllis_Benton: Oh, I hate that. Some times family think it would be easier for you to stay.
Riley: Phyllis, I would like to let you know that I am honored to have met you. Knowing what you have went through and how you are doing now it quite a story. You have every right to be proud of who you have turned out to be. I do have one question: Do you have any children?
Phyllis_Benton: No, I was not able to have children. Not that I didn't want them. I guess it was for a reason that I didn't now.
Val: What made you decide to publish your book?
Val: And were you afraid?
Phyllis_Benton: I wanted other women to see what I went through and with my book, I hope to help others. Yes, I was afraid but some names have been changed to protect the inocent.
Phyllis_Benton: Is it innocent?
Val: Ahhhh
Willow: 2 in's i think
Phyllis_Benton: Think so.
Val: Did your husband encourage you in this endeavor?
Dorothy: No spell check...Grrrr
Dorothy: Phyllis I have learnt that through a lto of abuse that women would rather chose physical to mental abuse.
Phyllis_Benton: Yes, my husband encouraged me from day one or before. He knew I loved to write.
Dorothy: As you mentioned that the sexual abuse was so much harder to escape.
Dorothy: it must be because it is more of a mind set with women.
Willow: Interesting. I was never hit physically. But the mental blows were painful.
Phyllis_Benton: Yes, I would choose physical to mental also.
Dorothy: I have evern been told by some children that they would rahter get hit than lectured.
Phyllis_Benton: Not that I would choose either.
Willow: There is so much of a mind set with abuse. the person being abused sometimes thinks it is their own fault. That was me. I kept trying to fix me.
Phyllis_Benton: I think that is true. My dogs really hate it when I scold them too.
Dorothy: mental abuse scars far deeper i feel than anything physical, unless of course it is very physical.
Dorothy: LOL I agreee, most animals feel very much a disapointment low than anything when a master repremands them.
Willow: Trying to have a healthy relationship after such a bad one is so hard.
Phyllis_Benton: I always thought it was my fault until I figured it out.
Dorothy: It is very hard Willow.
Riley: That just shows how strong you are Phyllis
Angie: Another reason that so many stay in abusive relationships is becasue they are in denial--Wiillow said it too, when you "think" it is your fault. That's what keeps you with the abuser
Dorothy: You almost have to empty your head forever and reborn your mind totally.
Willow: I keep thinking that everyone will treat me badly eventually. I just wait for it.
Dorothy: Thats fact Riley, she shows totoal survival strength in her book.
Phyllis_Benton: Yes, it is hard to have a good relationship after an abusive one. It takes a strong man to help you. Yes, reboot.
Val: I am very blessed to know you Phyllis and thankful that you have chosen to share your pain and courage with us
Willow: Then I shake my head and wistle a happy tune so to speak
Dorothy: Thats what you ahev to do Willow.
Dorothy: Changeing your thought patterns is everyway the best weapon to ward off negative thoughts.
Phyllis_Benton: It has been my pleasure. I hope being here will help you all.
Dorothy: It does take a very
special partner to make the transition work also.Willow: Dealing with these sometimes hidden emotions doesn't feel very nice, but it helps in the end.
Dorothy: Yes You are so right Willow.
Phyllis_Benton: Yes, I feel like I can conquere the world now. I have worked at being the person that I knew I always was.
Dorothy: You can only put thoughts on the back burner for so long until they find a way to the front.
Willow: I'm still faking it till I make it. But I do believe I will make it.
Riley: Well girls, I have to go. Thank you for a wonderful night, plenty of insight and your perfect company. Good night and and Thanks again Phyllis. I will definitely talk to many women about your life and your book.
Willow: G'night Riley
Val: Bye Riley
Riley: good night Dorothy
Phyllis_Benton: It is hard to deal and face the past but to get it behind you is very
important.Angie: seeya Riley
Phyllis_Benton: Thanks Riley
Dorothy: Huggz Riley and thank you so much for coming.
Riley: left.
Angie: Diane, doesn't your husband (David) boost your self esteem and tell you to go for it!
Angie: I mean Phyllis
Phyllis_Benton: Oh, definately. He is great.
Phyllis_Benton: He boost everything for me.
Angie: That is so wonderful
Phyllis_Benton: He has even sold copies of my book for me.
Phyllis_Benton: He believes in me.
Willow: Wonderful
Angie: Correct me if I am wrong, but isn;t David just the opposite kind of guy then the other men you had relationships with?
Willow: That is what we as humans crave isn't it? Someone to believe in us.
Dorothy: Thats fact Willow.
Dorothy: But we also have to beleive in ourselves.
Angie: Yes, Willow!!!!!! Fear will hold us back
Phyllis_Benton: David is so laid back. He won't argue, he will walk away.
Dorothy: If we don`t we can never trust anyone that says they do.
Phyllis_Benton: Yes, you have to believe in yourself.
Willow: I hear you D
Dorothy: Very much so
Dorothy: I just wish it was as easy to do as it is to type.
Willow: I am currently in a relationship with a man unlike any that I have ever known. It scares me but it feels so right.
Phyllis_Benton: I know it isn't easy but we have to look forward.
Dorothy: Willow, I so luv to hear about your man....I can feel the smiles when you type.
Willow: Going on only 7 months and I'm taking my time.
Angie: good for you
Willow: I am smiling. How did you know!
Phyllis_Benton: I was with my husband now. I did look for warning signs but it felt so right.
Angie: slow is best.
Dorothy: Yes we do Phyllis, as I say many times, its onwards and upwards!!
Dorothy: I just know type Willow :)
Willow: LMAO
Dorothy: Phyllis..omg, you had the rock bottom for so long, your David had to shine just in his aura
Angie: LMAO? I don't know all of the computer lingo yet.
Dorothy: laughing my ass off1!
Val: be back in a few
Phyllis_Benton: Me neither.
Dorothy: You hang in here, you will hear it all.
Angie: hehehehhehe okay, my son probably knew that one
Willow: Sharing our stories is a way to pay it forward. I like to reccomend a good financial consultant to women who feel traped.
Phyllis_Benton: Good, know one now.
Willow: That is what got me out.
Dorothy: the women a re a real treat.
Dorothy: Hm silly typo there.
Dorothy: I have found that women in general are the best therapist for each other
Angie: BRB
Dorothy: when women help women just like what goes on in here, it has been amazing.
Willow: You are a great facilitator Dorothy.
Dorothy: HB
Dorothy: Thank you Willow
Dorothy: I really do not do much
Dorothy: I write articles and make a place for the members to hang out and have a few laughs
Phyllis_Benton: I think women are good therapist for each other too.
; Then there a little bit more chit-chat and the interview ended. It was wonderful to have that talk with Phyllis Benton about her book and get some insight as to who she really is inside. Phyllis is a survivor and has an enduring strength that many women lack the skill to find in themselves. Thank you Mrs. Benton for a wonderful evening and for your book "Living Nightmares of Abuse".
http://www.womensselfesteem.com/phyllisbentoninterview.html
